The ‘How-To’ of Dealing with Friends Wanting to Fix You
Problems can make people uncomfortable. It is an annoying fact, though unfortunately a true one. So how do we explain that our chronic conditions and persistent pain ARE NOT a problem that needs to be solved by those we know? Sometimes we just need to be heard; heck we all need a good vent from time to time, it is what makes us human and makes coping through those pain flares bearable - even achievable. Maybe our friends need a gentle reminder as to the difference between listening and projecting, as our lives are not things they need to be exerting their sense of control over.
“…No one wants to see someone they care for suffering,” that is great and all, but chronic conditions don’t fit the narrative of something able to resolved with a quick statement, or an ill-offered solution. I am so glad this tip worked for your cousin’s neighbour’s brother, however in my situation it is completely irrelevant. Unless someone has a lived experience of a chronic condition and has experienced severe, persistent pain then they probably ought not to comment on the matter. In a perfect world, they would listen when we need to share, offering statements like, “…That’s not fair,” or “…I’m here for you. I hear what you’re saying.” Again, in the perfect world, this would be the reality. Maybe you do have friends and family members who are like that and if so, you are one of the lucky ones.
Unfortunately, for many within our community this is not always the case. One of our members reached out this week; they had been at a social event and their friends felt the need to raise her condition, opening discussion on it. It was an uncomfortable situation she was forced to navigate, one she ought not to have been thrust within. Our lives should not be open for discussion if we are not leading the conversation, and there is a time and place for any intimate conversation; this social event was not one of them. If, and when we choose to discuss these matters of our lives it should be at our discretion. Chronic conditions rarely leave us feeling in control of our lives so at least allow us that dignity.
Raven Ishak, Therapist, offers insight into how one can show up for a friend, without trying to fix their problems. Perhaps this is something you might share with your friends to better improve future interactions.
“Listen and mirror their emotions.” This is probably the best tip of all, that is, if you don’t want to appear as condescending. If we are out at a social event enjoying ourselves, do NOT be the first to raise our condition to us. This is inappropriate, and very insensitive.
“Validate their emotions.” Bottling emotions – we have all been there. It is difficult to try and explain why we feel the way we do as a result of the pain to someone who just needs to fix it.
“Partake in activities they are interested in.” If someone has suddenly developed a persistent pain condition, there is a good chance they now face limitations towards what they can do. Late nights out, dancing the night away? This is probably not a great option anymore. Traveling long distances and spending hours out and about is now exhausting. Also, we may need to cancel from time to time - pain flares follow no social calendar! Allowing us the freedom through flexibility ensures the friendship will be long-lasting. Plan low-key events and be okay with shorter coffee breaks instead.
“Inquire about their needs and wants.” Do we want to discuss our pain? No, then let us talk about something else. Do we look sad and need to unburden ourselves? Then ask us how best to have this conversation. Let us lead the way with this; allow us the occasion to feel seen and heard.
“Ask if they would like your opinion before you give it.” This one is so important! Again, sometimes we just need to be heard. When someone can differentiate between listening and problem solving it saves us facing emotional distress. I applaud each and every person who takes this stance when conversing with others.
“Offer professional help.” Sometimes friends may actually have connections to great healthcare professionals, we can all benefit from help from time to time. We are made stronger through our communities; just because someone may not have a chronic condition of their own does not mean they don’t have access to beneficial resources. Also, how refreshing is it when someone doesn’t step into the role of a professional caregiver, but rather refers us to someone with professional training and expertise?
However, when we are left in that uncomfortable position with a friend narrating our lives sometimes a firmer stance is necessary. Advocating for oneself should not only be for moments within the healthcare system. Our social surroundings require advocacy too, and shutting a conversation down with firm boundaries is empowering. Standing by your boundaries does not make you a bad person, neither does walking away from a situation if it no longer suits you.
Raven Ishak’s article can be found here: How to show up for a friend without trying to fix their problems, according to a therapist
APMA does not offer medical advice through the blog entries. Please speak to your healthcare professional for any information surrounding a condition and/or medication