Medical Gaslighting

As a chronic pain patient, I’m always left feeling as if I am doing something wrong. No matter how much research I read into chronic pain as a psychology student, nothing seems to effectively equip me to handle the comments I receive from doctors. No degree of contorting who I am allows me to appear capable. No degree of stoicism or communication skills appear to mitigate the idea in doctor’s heads that I am an overly emotional, needy, whiny woman who just needs to try harder.

When I see doctors and I am in more pain than usual, I wonder what the attribution will be. Will it be because I did too much, and need to better pace myself? Or will my pain be because I did too little, and that I need to talk more walks? When I am very stressed because Centrelink has done something to upset me, is it my fault because I don’t manage stress well, or my fault because I should be working? If I come to an appointment with a list of things to address so I don’t forget, am I being too demanding? Or is it that I am one of “those” patients that “loves being sick”, as I’ve heard more than once. If I cry in an appointment, is it proof that I am overly emotional, or is it that I just need attention? Often, all I can be confident in is that whatever I say, I will have to fight to be believed. No matter how hard I try, I have to fight against the assumption that I am not trying hard enough.

My refutations to their assumptions about me float around my head constantly. I walk into appointments and try to navigate my way around every possible roadblock to being taken seriously. I wear nice clothes and arrange my face into a smile. I politely assert that I’m adhering to medical advice; that I’m exercising, but not exercising too much. That I’m managing stress, but not avoiding my responsibilities. That I’m in pain and need help, but not too much pain, because I might be seen as attention-seeking.

I am starting to realise that I can’t win with some people, and all I can do is work with doctors who do believe me. Doctors who acknowledge my hard work and point to areas I can improve, rather than doctors who cannot seem to acknowledge that hardworking, emotionally resilient people have pain. Courageous and cheerful people can feel isolated and defeated. Intelligent people can feel lost and confused about the best path to take in their treatment.

I am not a fool, I am not hysterical. I am in pain, and I am doing my best. I am so grateful to those who believe me, and to those who don’t; I desperately hope that you never develop chronic pain. I hope that you don't learn the hard way how wrong you are about people like me.