I am more than my pain, by Jeanene Stirrup

Jeanene Stirrup is one of our Australian Pain Management Association members. Though she suffers from chronic pain conditions she continues to move forward in life with a spirit of unwavering strength, serving as an inspiration to us all. 

My chronic pain began roughly three years ago, when I woke one morning with severe nerve pain. This pain was left-sided sciatica, thus beginning my pain journey. My name is Jeanene Stirrup, and this is my story. 

When the pain began, my doctor prescribed me some medication which had been ultimately unsuccessful. Due to this, I began to have cortisone injections too, which have not been successful to eliminate the pain. Frustratingly so, my doctor has been unable to tell me how this pain started: I have just woken up with pain, and that has been it. I also have spinal canal stenosis, and the pain from the combination of that with the sciatica has been so debilitating, consuming every aspect of my life. Now, in addition to the pain I have also had to deal with feelings of depression and anxiety. When my movement begun to be quite limited my youngest son has bought me a wheelie walker, which has been an absolute godsend – and something I definitely use daily! Of course my wheat pack is also my best friend at the moment, though it does not seem to stay very hot for very long.

My hubby Dave has been my rock. We have been together fifteen years, having had a medieval style wedding in March 2008. My husband’s daughter and my youngest daughter from our previous marriages who were best friends teamed up to play Cupid, pushing the two of us together in a whirlwind romance. We have a shared love of fishing, and time spent together along the water was bliss. Prior to the sciatica starting three years ago, I still had the initial problem with my spinal cord stenosis. I would always take a fold up chair on our fishing trips as I never knew when my back pain might flare up but now, the sciatica is permanent so the fishing trips have stopped. I do not have a social life and we are not able to go out to dinner at all anymore. Things like having a ‘date night’ is something so many couples take for granted, while we have not been able to have one in years. We used to love going away for weekends together when I was working, and a couple of our favourite places were Rainbow Beach and Tin Can Bay. I have had a few hobbies that I have had to give up since this nightmare began.  

Though it has been a long journey I am starting to get some options. Two doctors have discovered that I have a L5/S1 Herniated Disc with Sequestration, with either a piece of tissue or bone that has been broken off. I am still waiting to hear whether the specialist will operate on me, in order to remove whatever has been broken off. I am terrified, yet also hopeful: Spinal surgery is not something that can be or should be taken lightly, and that is a worrying prospect.  Something has definitely broken off though, whether this may be the bone or the tissue. Either way, it could be the reason behind the debilitating sciatica. 

Yes it has been a long journey but unfortunately it is not over yet. I long to regain some sense of normalcy in my life, the way it had been before the pain. Going back to work would be ideal. I worked in Aged Care for thirteen years prior to this, and I am missing it so much! It is a huge adjustment to go from being a happy, productive person working in Aged Care full-time to someone who can hardly walk without the assistance of the wheelie walker. Without it, I would not be able to move around my house or visit my doctor or specialist.    

Pain management for both my conditions has been a battle. The ONLY relief I can get from this pain is to lie down on my right side, with a pillow propped between my legs. My day starts with pain and ends with pain, even this position is unbearable! I have had numerous cortisone injections and one epidural, but nothing has seemed to work. I had started this nightmare with a terrible fear of needles; I do not have that fear anymore. I have tried NORSPAN patches, which are slow release and able to be worn for a week, but have had severe reactions to them. In the areas I placed the patches I was left with itchy, inflamed welts, replacing one pain for another. I have tried Targin, Oxycodone and Panadeine Forte, but taking opioids long term can have a huge impact on both the liver and kidneys. For this reason I regularly take a break from the Targin and Oxycodone, when I have a month of relying only upon Panadeine Forte for relief from fear of opioid addiction. When the pain is bearable my mental health improves, though this is extremely seldom. 

More funding and understanding towards mental health has never been as important as it has now. The current situation with Covid19 and the constant lockdowns has left myself and so many others feeling alone and isolated. Pain has had a huge impact upon my mental health, and it is a continuous cycle. When the pain becomes totally unbearable my depression and anxiety increases tenfold, and it has become a vicious cycle. Pain causes depression, depression worsens the pain and it has begun to feel like a merry go round I cannot get off. Feeling suicidal on a few occasions has previously landed me in Hospital. I remember contacting one Hospital with a mental health unit in a particularly low moment. I remember thinking, ‘If this was going to be my life of constant pain, than I did not want to be here anymore.’ The lady I spoke with from the Hospital said to me and I quote, “Sorry, but we don’t have the funds to help you,” before promptly hanging up. I was in hysterics, totally dumbfounded. This sort of attitude is not welcome with anyone suffering from mental health issues, especially when at risk seeking help from suicidal tendencies. In hindsight I should have taken her name and reported her. 

I have felt at times so alone and without options. I have learnt to do meditation and mindfulness, but it is only a short term solution. At the beginning of Covid19 in 2020 I taught myself to do a lot of acrylic paint pouring, producing artwork through the assistance of YouTube tutorials. The sciatica pain soon stopped this too, and trying to beat the boredom from not being able to do anything is increasingly difficult.