Rejection and Abandonment: Changing the Narrative behind the Power of ‘No’
Hearing the word ‘no’ can be such a daunting experience… Let’s shift our thinking!
Reaching out to someone mid-crisis can be incredibly overwhelming. There is the fear of judgment, fear of rejection and possibly a few other fear factors there too, each presenting different complications. This may be a brought on by a pain flare, an anxiety attack or a depressive episode, when all the days kind of blur into each other until suddenly it’s Saturday and there is another event you are cancelling. Within these moments we may reach out to our friends, hoping they are able to show a little compassion and understanding – or better yet – to help.
I recently read a post from Whitney Goodman, blogger, who said “…There are going to be so many times in life where you can’t show up as your best self for people, and you’ll want them to understand. Sometimes you have to give that grace to other people too.”
Just because someone does not drop everything to immediately come to your rescue does not mean the love is lacking. Yet we so easily fall into the trap of assuming their unavailability translates to rejection or abandonment. It can be a daunting prospect to reach out to someone mid-crisis; after all, nobody wants to be deemed a burden. Furthermore, this fear is rewarded with acceptance as feelings of self doubt begin to creep in. You didn’t want to make that call, you did and now due to the lack of the other’s availability within that moment, your fear seems justified. This is why it is best that we really explore the importance of boundaries.
Boundaries: May we learn to implement them, may we learn to recognise them.
I am a firm believer in prioritising one’s own mental health – and in order to do that there needs to be a firm foundation of boundaries set in place. If you have reached out to someone and they are not available to help support you in that moment, before you spiral down into negativity from the interaction I encourage you to pause. Think about how it is they may have supported you during past moments, or if it seems they may also be struggling with something of their own.
“There is a big difference between someone who is rarely there for you, [or] rarely supportive and someone who is setting boundaries.” Just because they may not be able to take that call right that moment does not mean they will not call you back.
“…If your friend can’t talk during the work day and says they’ll call you after, they still want to support you. If your child says they can’t listen to you vent about your relationship, they still love you. If your partner can’t be up all night with you every night, they probably still care.”
If you were to reflect back to all those times where you weren’t feeling your best and were unable to show up for others, how did they respond? Did they respond with kindness and in turn, did you endeavor to demonstrate support at a later moment? We are all going to go through moments in time where we are not the best versions of ourselves, and that’s okay too. The person you have reached out to may be investing in self-care; therefore, they have boundaries in place to protect their mental health and well-being.
…Just as I would encourage of you too!
Whitney Goodman, LMFT @sitwithwhit
APMA does not offer medical advice through the blog entries. Please speak to your healthcare professional for any information surrounding a condition and/or medication